We have all been to weddings and experience that anticipated moment when the bride walks down the aisle. We stand, turn towards the back of the church in unison, and we wait. I, however, like to focus on the groom and see how his nerves manifest themselves. Is he sweating? What is his body saying? As he waits to see his bride, his eyes lock with hers and his smile cracks as his chin quivers to fight back the joyous tears; he takes in a huge breath to regroup and wipes his tears as her dad reaches to shake his hand. All of this reveals that this woman is worth the wait!
St. Irenaeus said, “The glory of God is Man fully alive.” Soaking in this wisdom is inspiring. God receives glory when humans are alive in his fullness, which includes life, love and God’s gifts. As God thirsts for us to be fully alive, we, too, thirst for our children and grandchildren to be “fully alive” — in him.
How can parents and grandparents impart this goodness to children and grandchildren, especially in these times where it is tempting to be skeptical or even lose hope in our culture? In the U.S., we are experiencing 61% fewer marriages today than in 1971. In recent years, the divorce rate in America has dropped largely due to the widely accepted cohabitation experiment.
Saying nothing on the topic of cohabitation and sexuality has been the default option for far too long. Most of us feel unequipped to talk about these sensitive issues. However, remaining silent and uninformed makes us blind, “And if a blind man leads a blind man, both will fall into a pit” (Mt 15:14).
People are prolonging or even opting out of marriage to put their relationships on a “trial run.” Cohabitation is living together in a sexual relationship before marriage. Many people look around at our world attacked by miserable marriages and constant divorces, and ask, “Is this kind of love, married love, even possible?” St. Thomas More, who was martyred for defending marriage, said, “Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal.”
Pope St. John Paul II, in his hope to restore purity to humanity, often emphasized that “The sexual drive is a gift from God.” However, he maintained that sexual desire must never be separated from love — the will to do what is best for the other. Cohabitation or sex outside of marriage may be one of our desires; however, these behaviors are poor ways to execute our desires because they lack commitment and love. When we separate our desires from love, we use another as though they were some “thing” rather than “someone.” ⊲
Why wait? “Yes, we are cohabitating, but we do love each other, and we do want to will the good of the other. What is the big deal with living together and having sex before or after marriage?” God designed sexual intimacy to be a sacred expression of total self-giving love and an openness to bringing children into this lifelong commitment of marriage. Engaging in any kind of sexual activity outside of God’s design for marriage can lead to numerous negative consequences, including emotional, physical and spiritual harm, as well as undermining the true purpose of human sexuality.
God certainly gives us the freedom to choose. When we choose to invite God into our relationships and follow his design, he accompanies us. When we choose to follow our own path i.e. cohabitation, we are basically saying, “We know better than you, God.” We miss the mark in our relationships, and we cut ourselves off from the source, God, and his grace (power and help). God will never abandon us; he will remain in pursuit, subtly, in hopes that we turn back to him. However, he will never force us. Cohabitating and sexually active couples outside the marriage bond/covenant begin to make it easy to ‘slide’ in and out of relationships, rather than ‘decide’ to commit. Conversely, a man and a woman who freely embrace God’s glorious plan for their sexuality find that the ‘marital embrace’ is set apart and well worth the wait.
If we are going to capture the hearts of people in our modern world, we will need to foster encounters with beauty to do it. The main message that many receive in their upbringings is that religion is opposed to passion, longings and desires, so just don’t think about those things and follow the rules. Modern man rejects this approach because the heart feels the absence of beauty, and we are made for beauty.
What beauty captures your heart? A majestic Colorado sunset, a fine piece of art, a banquet of fine food, a person? Think about what grabs your heart and why. Ask your children and grandchildren about beauty and what stirs their hearts and why.
When we are drawn to something or someone beautiful, we are tapping into the God-given desires of the human heart. The hunger of our hearts, left at the surface level, can stop at self-seeking base pleasures that eventually lead to emptiness. By allowing that beauty to take us higher, however, it awakens a thirst for something bigger, something outside of ourselves — God.
Loving another this way — as God loves us — is why the bride and groom can boldly proclaim that “You were worth the wait.”
Recommended resources
Jason Evert’s book, Saint John Paul the Great: His Five Loves – chapter 7 called “Young People”; chapter 8 called “Human Love”
Christopher West’s “Introduction” chapter to Theology of the Body for Beginners
Christopher West’s book Good News About Sex & Marriage – chapter 4 called “What to Do Before ‘I Do’; Chastity Outside of Marriage”
Christopher West – concluding chapter in his book God Is Beauty
Dr. Edward Sri’s book, Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love: Practical Insights from John Paul II’s Love and Responsibility.
Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC), sections 1601-1660 on the Sacrament of Marriage, and CCC 2331-2400 on the Sixth Commandment: “You Shall Not Commit Adultery (emphasis on 2338-2356).
