Dr. Michelle Connor-Harris and Mark Sanders
St. Raphael Counseling
If you’re a Catholic in your 20s, 30s or even 40s and feel called to marriage, the team at St. Raphael Counseling, a ministry of Catholic Charities, would like to offer some advice.
My colleague Mark Sanders and I have been therapists for many years, and we’ve each been happily married to our spouses for 25 to 30 years. We often hear young people in our offices expressing frustration about dating in Catholic circles. Mark primarily works with men, while I see more women, but the concerns are largely the same:
"I’ve been to all the young adult gatherings. I’m part of a Bible study. My housemates have introduced me to all of their friends. I’ve been on Catholic Match. I even joined a Catholic sports team — despite being painfully unathletic — and I still can’t find anyone!"
Many feel immense pressure to find “the one” as soon as possible. While the desire for marriage is natural and taking proactive steps is important, it’s easy to become fixated on “making it happen.” In doing so, we can forget that God has a plan for each of us — one that may look very different from the one we envision for ourselves.
Trusting God’s Plan
From my own experience — and that of many of my clients — the person God has chosen for you may not be who you expect. When I met my husband, Chris, he wasn’t Catholic. He was in a Marine Corps ROTC program and from a completely different part of the country. These all felt like “strikes” against him because I assumed they meant we wouldn’t share the same faith; he’d have a career in the military, and we’d never live near my family in Colorado.
But I brought my concerns to God in prayer. In my next conversation with Chris — without my mentioning any of my worries — he shared that he had no interest in a long-term military career, had always wanted to live in Denver and was open to raising children in the Catholic Church. It was a clear moment of God removing my perceived obstacles. A few months later, we got engaged. A year after we married, Chris chose to convert to Catholicism. Now, with three nearly grown sons, I’m grateful I was open to God’s work in my dating life.
More Than Just Shared Faith
Mark here — my relationship with my wife, Aileen, started differently. She was Catholic, and I felt an immediate connection. But I remind myself when working with young adults that this isn’t always the norm.
Through years of counseling, I’ve learned that dating can be challenging, especially when people expect an instant, deep connection. I’ve had clients who knew each other’s favorite saints but not their hometowns! While faith is foundational, it’s also essential to consider compatibility in other areas of life.
In my marriage counseling work at St. Raphael’s, I’ve seen couples who married primarily for religious reasons but later struggled. When the kids were grown, they realized they had little else connecting them. A shared faith is crucial, but so is a strong personal connection.
Let Go and Let God
We encourage you to slow down, relax and enjoy the journey. Dating should be a wonderful experience, not a stressful pursuit of “the one.” When you remove the pressure, connections can form naturally.
Here are a few questions to consider:
Are you truly surrendering your dating life to Christ?
Surrendering means being open to meeting people from different backgrounds and allowing room for the unexpected. Instead of viewing every date as a potential spouse interview, see it as an opportunity to make a new friend. Some people you meet may introduce you to a future spouse, become an important professional contact or help you grow emotionally or spiritually.
Are you enjoying your life as it is?
Dating should be fun! When you stop obsessing over whether someone is “the one,” you can enjoy the experience — whether it’s sharing a meal, taking a walk or simply having a great conversation. Take it one date at a time, and don’t be too quick to dismiss someone.
We’ve all seen the bumper sticker: “Let go and let God.” But do we truly believe it? Give it a try this Lent — you might be surprised at what he has in store for you!
