Recently, I gave a talk on โCatholic Friendshipโ at Our Lady of Victory High School here in Denverโa fabulous school, by the way. It was a great opportunity for the kids, but it was also a great opportunity for me to spend some time contemplating a topic we donโt often contemplate.
It seems to me that, among all the forms of love, friendship is the one that gets short shrift. I mean, there are literally thousands of books in print right this very minute on improving your marriage. And there are thousands more on building and maintaining a happy family and even more on becoming a more generally loving person. But I donโt see a lot of books about โHow to Have a Great Friendship.โ
I think we assume that friendships are the kind of relationships that just sort themselves out, and we donโt need to pay much attention or put a lot of effort into them.
That is a shame.
While preparing the talk, I leaned heavily on C.S. Lewisโ book The Four Loves, combined with a smattering of Pope St. John Paul II and a few tidbits from the ancient Greeks. It led me to some insights that seemed worth sharing to encourage all of you to give some thought to the relationships we donโt often consider much.
Lewis says that friendship is always about something. We donโt build friendships in a vacuum. We donโt choose friends randomly. For someone to stand out from the crowd and for us to want to spend time with them, there must be something we share in common, some interest or commonality or intersection in our lives. The ancient Greeks, who were always big on categorizing, said that those commonalities tend to fall into three different categories, which create three categories of friendship or three legs to the barstool of friendship.
The first is mutual benefit. These are the friends we work toward a goal with. Co-worker friends fall into this category, as do school friends or friends we embark with on projects. Maybe itโs the friend youโre working with to rebuild a car, write a book, or launch a side hustle. This is the friend who helps you get to the finish line and makes the journey more fun.
Speaking of that, the second category is pleasure. These are the friends we have fun with. Maybe theyโre the ones who make us laugh, mountain bike with us or like the same vacation spots we do. Whatever weโre doing, we enjoy having them around while weโre doing it.
Finally, there are friendships based on the Good. These are people whose thinking aligns with our own or the people we admire. Maybe we share a worldview, political views, values, religious faith, approach to life, etc. Maybe we just enjoy being around them because they radiate love, which is always attractive.
The best friendships, of course, rest on more than one leg. Itโs nice to meet someone who makes us laugh. But when they make us laugh and share our worldview, thatโs better yet.
Of course, any of this can be good or bad. We could have friends who join us in planning a bank heist, who enjoy shooting heroin with us, or whose corrupt values align with our own. The assumption is that whatever brings us together in a healthy friendship also brings us closer to health, truth, beauty, God and all good things.
This is why friendships based on the Good tend to be the strongest and the most lasting.
Why is all of this good for us to know? Well, it helps us better understand some of the most important relationships in our lives and how they evolve, change, grow and sometimes end. Remember those high school friends you couldnโt go a day without talking to? Writing in their yearbooks, you waxed eloquent about how โyou are sooooooooo important to me, and we will be in each otherโs weddings, and we will ALWAYS be in each otherโs lives [heart, heart, heart].โ And today, while some of them may actually remain friends, most of the rest you couldnโt pick out of a lineup. And have you noticed that, while the first evening of a high school reunion is SO much fun, by the third day, youโve pretty much run out of things to talk about, and youโre ready to get back to your real life? We generally arenโt interested in moving into the future with people we share nothing with but the past.
The friendships that endure are based on a more solid foundation. When we have people in our lives who we genuinely enjoy being around, who help us reach our goals, and who we can talk to about the things that matter โ these are real friends. These relationships are truly a gift from God and should not be taken for granted. We should be willing to put effort into our friendships, just like we do into our romantic and family relationships.
I was going to add an entire section on Pope St. John Paul II, love and friendship. But we are coming to the end of our word count. So, it looks like that will be our discussion next time.
In the meantime, this is your homework. I want you to think about who your โinner circleโ is. Try to identify your real friends โ your โride or die,โ the ones you most enjoy talking to, recreating with or working with. Once you have, think about what you can do to strengthen those relationships and let them know they are important to you. Are they going through a difficult time? Do they need anything? Has it just been too long since you have caught up with them?
And if you donโt have any of those โride or dieโ friendships, then your homework is to go out and start building them. Look for the people you admire, the ones you enjoy being around. Reach out to them. Invite them over for dinner or out for a beer. Go make a friend or two.
Youโll thank me for it when they thank you for it.